Weights Off My Chest

Kizig

Alamo Rookie
Joined
Apr 17, 2018
Likes
993
Location
US West Coast
#41
It wasn't until today that I came to see how selfish grief and mourning are. It's not about the loss of a life, it's about how that loss affects oneself and I, honestly, feel a bit guilty about it. I could go on and on, as I'm still processing the emotion, but I'll end this for now. No promises that I won't bring it up again, but it's definitely a weight on my chest right now.
It's very easy, especially if you're analytically-minded, to doubt and condemn yourself when dealing with loss. The accepted archetypes of grieving look so much more raw and emotional that, if you're the sort who responds instead by thinking through things, you can find yourself looking self-involved and cold. Then you feel guilty about it, which your mind again tells you is a selfish concern, and the whole thing snowballs.

I'd recommend giving yourself a break. Humans are goofy and diverse, they deal with things in different and often strange ways, and if you're built to be a thinker then you shouldn't feel bad for it. I've followed a pattern like you describe during events from my own life, with hindsight it's easier to see that everyone has their own way and that's alright. Good luck.
 

SwissArmyKnife

Alamo Radioman
Staff member
Joined
Jan 8, 2018
Likes
3,412
#42
This one might be a bit long but here goes...

For the unaware, I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes when I was thirteen. At that time, I was already a bit of a social outcast, having changed schools during 7th grade, after 8th grade and after 9th grade; and never once learning how to really engage with others because I spent 3rd to 7th grade being bullied (see physically and verbally abused) by the only guys who would even talk with me in school. At the time though, I didn't know the difference between bullying and normal behavior so I assumed it was just the way guys interacted with each other. It also led to a few years of self-harm through cutting lines across my back with rocks but that's another story entirely and I've already gone off-track so I digress...

My doctor at the time, through bluntness or an attempt to scare a kid straight, told me that I wouldn't live past 45-50 being diagnosed so young. Certainly that was not something to tell a kid that was already secretly (it took me until 29 before I ever admitted to the bullying to my parents and explained why I wanted to commit suicide so often, writing letters of goodbye to them weekly) being bullied daily by his peers. At that point, I told myself that I would make plans to die at age 25 if nothing ever got better for me. For context, that would be in 2010, a little over three years before I would meet anyone in the community here (I joined the UL forums in late November 2013). My 25th birthday passed and I'm still here (or maybe I'm a zombie?), because of a woman who had become my foundation (friend, not my ex-wife; she left me in Dec 2009) who was fighting cancer for the second time in her life before the age of 23). Again though, another side story.

So what prompted me talking about this now? Last week, I talked to my doctor again and my life expectancy increased to 30 years from now, so 63, assuming I get and stay healthy. That means with current technology, I wouldn't even get to retire before dying, though I would likely be on disability by then. When he told me that, I'd decided that 10 years, maybe 12 years would be plenty more to be around. My nieces would be grown by then and my dog, who keeps me going daily, would be dead for years by then. That was what I have been thinking for the past week at least...then Monday night, I broke down and talked with my Mom about it and sent a similar e-mail to my Dad so he wouldn't have to only hear it secondhand from her.

I don't know whether I've changed my mind necessarily about the timeline for life, but I know that I want to stay as long as I can with everyone. More than anything though, death holds no fear or power over me...it's the quality of life leading up to my death that terrifies me more than anything else in this world. I have no children, no lover and in a few years, no pets; but I have all of you, for as long as you'll have me anyway and my family and some limited friends (okay, 2..I have 2 friends) outside of here. So...yeah, heart is bared and it's nearly 6am now. I'm tired as hell...but I just needed to say something.
 

QMJS

Alamo Rookie
Joined
Jan 9, 2018
Likes
1,916
Location
Eastern USA
#43
with current technology
We are progressing at an astounding rate. By the time that 30 years or so rolls around, and probably considerably sooner, that number will go way up... or disappear entirely.

but I have all of you, for as long as you'll have me anyway
There are lots of us. I interact with the people here way more than I do with others. If you need to vent, send me a message... or pick one of the many others here who are willing to listen.
 

Liamypoo

Rescued Ally
Joined
Jan 31, 2018
Likes
375
#45
This one might be a bit long but here goes...

For the unaware, I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes when I was thirteen. At that time, I was already a bit of a social outcast, having changed schools during 7th grade, after 8th grade and after 9th grade; and never once learning how to really engage with others because I spent 3rd to 7th grade being bullied (see physically and verbally abused) by the only guys who would even talk with me in school. At the time though, I didn't know the difference between bullying and normal behavior so I assumed it was just the way guys interacted with each other. It also led to a few years of self-harm through cutting lines across my back with rocks but that's another story entirely and I've already gone off-track so I digress...

My doctor at the time, through bluntness or an attempt to scare a kid straight, told me that I wouldn't live past 45-50 being diagnosed so young. Certainly that was not something to tell a kid that was already secretly (it took me until 29 before I ever admitted to the bullying to my parents and explained why I wanted to commit suicide so often, writing letters of goodbye to them weekly) being bullied daily by his peers. At that point, I told myself that I would make plans to die at age 25 if nothing ever got better for me. For context, that would be in 2010, a little over three years before I would meet anyone in the community here (I joined the UL forums in late November 2013). My 25th birthday passed and I'm still here (or maybe I'm a zombie?), because of a woman who had become my foundation (friend, not my ex-wife; she left me in Dec 2009) who was fighting cancer for the second time in her life before the age of 23). Again though, another side story.

So what prompted me talking about this now? Last week, I talked to my doctor again and my life expectancy increased to 30 years from now, so 63, assuming I get and stay healthy. That means with current technology, I wouldn't even get to retire before dying, though I would likely be on disability by then. When he told me that, I'd decided that 10 years, maybe 12 years would be plenty more to be around. My nieces would be grown by then and my dog, who keeps me going daily, would be dead for years by then. That was what I have been thinking for the past week at least...then Monday night, I broke down and talked with my Mom about it and sent a similar e-mail to my Dad so he wouldn't have to only hear it secondhand from her.

I don't know whether I've changed my mind necessarily about the timeline for life, but I know that I want to stay as long as I can with everyone. More than anything though, death holds no fear or power over me...it's the quality of life leading up to my death that terrifies me more than anything else in this world. I have no children, no lover and in a few years, no pets; but I have all of you, for as long as you'll have me anyway and my family and some limited friends (okay, 2..I have 2 friends) outside of here. So...yeah, heart is bared and it's nearly 6am now. I'm tired as hell...but I just needed to say something.
you've got this brother. Death is just another one of those things we all accept in time, but as Gandalf says "
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."
Clearly you're in that right mind frame and as long as you enjoy the journey there, the end game isn't important. Things will pick up, we have life changing things around the corner when we never expect it. Our paths are laid out, we just have to decide how we walk it.

And as Q said, our medical technology is advancing at a rapid rate that your life expectancy has already shot up 30 years. So here's to another 60 at least!
 

Terrafutan

Alamo Rookie
Joined
Jan 10, 2018
Likes
1,276
Location
South Africa
#46
So off I went to the doc with some heavy flu. Really felt like my chest was giving in.

Doc checks things out and ask a few questions, then some more personal questions, then comes out with, oh yeah, you have bronchitis.

What's more important however is that you have 'Black Dog' and have had it for the past 5 or so years.

Really, 5 years and I didn't know. I knew my life was a shambles, but isn't everyone's ? I like to think I'm somewhat intelligent, like Dunning Kruger levels, but 5 years. Things make a little more sense now.

Got a month's worth of pick me up pills and a visit to the psychologist next week.

Urgh I'm going to have to talk about my feelings and shit. Bleh
 
Top