Weights Off My Chest

SwissArmyKnife

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#1
Reading through the rant thread and some of it is ranting, while some of it is really just things that we (as a collective) need to get off our chest and talk through, try to work through in our own way. As a result, this thread emerged as a place to get your issues off your chest that aren't rants necessarily, but things that you need to say and get in the open before it literally bursts from your chest like a facehugger.

These are things like:
  • Grudges or likewise hateful things that are influencing your daily life
  • Dream goals and how you might get there
  • Troubling thoughts such as the "Black Dog" of Bob Crees (depression)
  • and other general "I need to tell someone so I can move on or get help moving on" statements, paragraphs, novels
 

SwissArmyKnife

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#2
To kick this off proper too, I've been struggling with the "Black Dog" myself for months. Bob helped me realize how crippling it can be to my social and family health. I do my best to be positive and stay positive for everyone, whether that's here, Discord, on streams or with my family interactions.

I can count on one hand the amount of friends I have locally and people outside family that I could count on in a bad situation. A good portion of that is due to choices I made in high school and college and there are certainly things I wish I could take back on that front but those bridges were burned and then nuked from orbit.

Keeping the Dog at bay isn't terribly hard of late, but I can certainly say there are social things I still don't understand exactly, like...clubbing (with and without people) and going to bars solo? And how does anyone meet people after college for relationships? I mean, I kinda remember how bad dating was back in high school and I got married (and divorced) while working through continued development (certification classes after college)...and nearly every place I've worked has been with people 15+ years over my age, already married or are high school interns in the mid-teens.

Not to say I want/need a relationship but y'know...I do remember it being nice to get off work and be able to settle into someone else's body, talk about work and life and have existential crises with, then wake up and do it all over again in the morning.
 

Ehrmagerdden

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#3
To kick this off proper too, I've been struggling with the "Black Dog" myself for months. Bob helped me realize how crippling it can be to my social and family health. I do my best to be positive and stay positive for everyone, whether that's here, Discord, on streams or with my family interactions.

I can count on one hand the amount of friends I have locally and people outside family that I could count on in a bad situation. A good portion of that is due to choices I made in high school and college and there are certainly things I wish I could take back on that front but those bridges were burned and then nuked from orbit.

Keeping the Dog at bay isn't terribly hard of late, but I can certainly say there are social things I still don't understand exactly, like...clubbing (with and without people) and going to bars solo? And how does anyone meet people after college for relationships? I mean, I kinda remember how bad dating was back in high school and I got married (and divorced) while working through continued development (certification classes after college)...and nearly every place I've worked has been with people 15+ years over my age, already married or are high school interns in the mid-teens.

Not to say I want/need a relationship but y'know...I do remember it being nice to get off work and be able to settle into someone else's body, talk about work and life and have existential crises with, then wake up and do it all over again in the morning.
I completely understand how you feel--and I mean completely. I wish I had some advice to give you, but everything good that's happened to me over the last ten years has been either a happy accident or out of my control entirely, so I just attribute it to luck. I will say, though, that finding a significant other to talk and live through this stuff with is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and if you can find that again I'm sure it would help you. Again, I wish I could give you some first-hand advice on how to find someone, but my girlfriend was a happy accident who my best friend introduced me to. I know this is anathema to some people, but several of my family members (as well as the aforementioned friend) have had great success on dating sites/apps. Maybe try that? Nowadays it seems like people are too busy to meet folks the old-fashioned way.

I am completely on the same page as you when it comes to everyday social events that most people are comfortable with. I hate being around most people, I have only enough people who I would consider "friends" to count on one hand, and my social interactions consist mainly of being around the few people I already know and care about. I realize that's weird in the grand scheme of humanity, but I've never been able to mesh well with the majority of the race and I doubt that'll ever change.

If there's one piece of advice I could give you that definitely works for me (to stave off depression and loneliness, that is) I would recommend finding a creative outlet that you really enjoy, and then running with it. I assume you're a naturally creative person since you've entered into, and won several of, the AWPC prompts. If writing is your thing, do it every day--even if it's just a little bit, just a short blurb or a silly poem or even a half-baked idea. Writing is the one thing I enjoy more than anything else, and on days that I don't write I can almost measure how quickly I fall under the effects of worsening depression. If writing isn't really your thing and it's more a pastime, then find some other form of creativity that you love and pour everything into it. I get a sense of purpose and accomplishment out of creating something, and it buoys my self-esteem enough that I can stay afloat. I hope there's something out there like that for you. This is a good thread; thanks for making it.
 

chikawowwow

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#4
To kick this off proper too, I've been struggling with the "Black Dog" myself for months. Bob helped me realize how crippling it can be to my social and family health. I do my best to be positive and stay positive for everyone, whether that's here, Discord, on streams or with my family interactions.

I can count on one hand the amount of friends I have locally and people outside family that I could count on in a bad situation. A good portion of that is due to choices I made in high school and college and there are certainly things I wish I could take back on that front but those bridges were burned and then nuked from orbit.

Keeping the Dog at bay isn't terribly hard of late, but I can certainly say there are social things I still don't understand exactly, like...clubbing (with and without people) and going to bars solo? And how does anyone meet people after college for relationships? I mean, I kinda remember how bad dating was back in high school and I got married (and divorced) while working through continued development (certification classes after college)...and nearly every place I've worked has been with people 15+ years over my age, already married or are high school interns in the mid-teens.

Not to say I want/need a relationship but y'know...I do remember it being nice to get off work and be able to settle into someone else's body, talk about work and life and have existential crises with, then wake up and do it all over again in the morning.
I'm not sure if they were rhetorical questions or not? Meeting people for relationships needs a strategy, like you could go to the supermarket and hope that you're lucky enough to find someone you not only find appealing but you also get an opportunity to talk to and happens to have other desirable traits and interests. However the most effective way would be to identify what exactly you want, and the types of places you would find someone like that. For example if I'm looking for someone perhaps less intelligent but more outgoing I'd join a pub group, for more intelligent people perhaps a book group etc etc. The most important thing is to always make a good first impression.

It probably sounds predatory and the thing is, it is, if you want to catch something you need to lay a trap. I could sit outside my house for eternity with my crossbow readied and never catch a deer. The hunting analogy maybe makes it sound somewhat creepy and it would be if you was just seeking people to manipulate for sex, putting yourself in the best position to find a suitable relationship isn't.

If you're not sure how to conduct yourself when meeting someone then again use a strategy rather than luck. Research the topic or get a book (by someone reputable, not some geezer off the street) the books I've read by Leil Lowndes about dealing with people were very good IMO and I know she has more than a few about relationships but the titles of the book are generally cringe inducing.

Edit: Basically I'm saying you need a strategy and an idea of what you'll do with that strategy. Sun Tzu said "Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat.". If you want to win you need to know how you will win before seeking the victory.

And yeah I've never understood the clubbing thing either, going socialising with people to a place where you cannot hear them talk? It'd be like having an intelligent online community and moving it to a platform like Discord where anything meaningful get's lost in the nonsense..
Yes, I will beat this dead horse until I run out of jokes
 

chikawowwow

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#5
If there's one piece of advice I could give you that definitely works for me (to stave off depression and loneliness, that is) I would recommend finding a creative outlet that you really enjoy, and then running with it. I assume you're a naturally creative person since you've entered into, and won several of, the AWPC prompts. If writing is your thing, do it every day--even if it's just a little bit, just a short blurb or a silly poem or even a half-baked idea. Writing is the one thing I enjoy more than anything else, and on days that I don't write I can almost measure how quickly I fall under the effects of worsening depression. If writing isn't really your thing and it's more a pastime, then find some other form of creativity that you love and pour everything into it. I get a sense of purpose and accomplishment out of creating something, and it buoys my self-esteem enough that I can stay afloat. I hope there's something out there like that for you. This is a good thread; thanks for making it.
This is going to sound daft, really daft probably, but one of the two things that got me out of my last battle with depression was an idea presented in a completely unrelated audiobook. The idea was presented as a Basketball coach trying to explain to a kid, who only dribbles with their right hand, why they need to learn to dribble with their left. "I can't" they said, but it's not that they can't, it's that they haven't and all they need to do is log enough bounces with the left in order to be capable with it, the same goes for mental habits.
I'm not sure why it became so clear here when I've heard similar things over and over from places like GDC to the Kyballion, but yeah it just clicked for me: I just need to log enough happy thoughts to become happy. Maybe the point of that depression was for the universe to finally get that lesson through to me. I'm not really a fatalist but equally I can't disprove it either..

Anyway the second reason is a bit more difficult to say and more morbid but yeah that last battle was the closest I've come to actually killing myself. I was worried about what would happen to my debts with me gone and searching it on google lead me to a story. Basically this guy had a loan for like £1500 and ended up ill for a while, unable to work, so the debt collectors came round and took his moped, the moped he used for work (this is actually illegal in the UK). So the guy was screwed and ended up killing himself, and I thought why, my debts are more than 10 times that.. It really made me reevaluate my own decision and this is the whole point: once I knew I was sticking around I had no choice but to fight. When the choice is fight or die, if you don't want to die you'll find strength you never knew you had. << This is also in the Art of War.
 

QMJS

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#6
And how does anyone meet people after college for relationships?
A little bit of a contrasting opinion. In my experience, you just keep your eyes open, but don't look too hard. Everyone I know who has gone specifically looking for someone has ended up unhappy with what they found. But if you are seeking, it is far more important to think about what you don't want and avoid that, than to look for specific things you think you want.
 

SwissArmyKnife

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#7
Thanks for your insight @Ehrmagerdden!

On the topic of dating sites, I was on Match.com with one of the primo subs for 6 months and I ended up reaching out to maybe 3 women? Not because I couldn't find women that I liked locally and was interested in but more because my own low self-esteem and perfectionism in writing made me unable to put together a message to send out to the women I really wanted to contact so I ended up messaging the ones that I didn't mind so much not hearing back from. As it turned out, I probably wasn't up to their standards either since I never got a reply at all.

It probably sounds predatory and the thing is, it is, if you want to catch something you need to lay a trap. I could sit outside my house for eternity with my crossbow readied and never catch a deer. The hunting analogy maybe makes it sound somewhat creepy and it would be if you was just seeking people to manipulate for sex, putting yourself in the best position to find a suitable relationship isn't.
This made me laugh so much today...because of some deep dark fantasy stuff that I was talking to a text friend about last week, specifically about post-apocalypse and setting traps for people to determine their intentions and selecting trustworthy people who could be mystery meat in a pinch. It was such an immoral conversation and then it devolved into... if we're in a post apocalyptic world where humanity is measured in the thousands, do morals really matter anymore?

I do get the analogy though and need to rethink my own plan on how I approach the idea of finding people that I would want to be in a relationship with. @QMJS, that is definitely something I do as well. I think the hard part for me in that respect is that most of the public profiles/desires of people (men and women) around where I live are (almost hyper) focused on being outdoors and football and hiking. Of those, the only one that would really peak my interest is hiking and there aren't many good areas here to do it. Camping, football, running miles in the morning and clubbing are all listed in a high majority and I'm just a bit too sedentary right now to go about pursuing anyone of that nature. Though I am working on being less sedentary again.
 

chikawowwow

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#8
if we're in a post apocalyptic world where humanity is measured in the thousands, do morals really matter anymore?
Morality is subjective, people regarded as evil tend to see themselves as doing good things.
I would say that yes, morals would matter, because there needs to be something beyond just staying alive for being alive to mean anything and for full psychological health. Most people would have to do immoral things to stay alive at points but fully abandoning principles we have lived with would not be good long term. Basing this mostly on Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

 

Mystyk

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#9
Thanks for your insight @Ehrmagerdden!

On the topic of dating sites, I was on Match.com with one of the primo subs for 6 months and I ended up reaching out to maybe 3 women? Not because I couldn't find women that I liked locally and was interested in but more because my own low self-esteem and perfectionism in writing made me unable to put together a message to send out to the women I really wanted to contact so I ended up messaging the ones that I didn't mind so much not hearing back from. As it turned out, I probably wasn't up to their standards either since I never got a reply at all.



This made me laugh so much today...because of some deep dark fantasy stuff that I was talking to a text friend about last week, specifically about post-apocalypse and setting traps for people to determine their intentions and selecting trustworthy people who could be mystery meat in a pinch. It was such an immoral conversation and then it devolved into... if we're in a post apocalyptic world where humanity is measured in the thousands, do morals really matter anymore?

I do get the analogy though and need to rethink my own plan on how I approach the idea of finding people that I would want to be in a relationship with. @QMJS, that is definitely something I do as well. I think the hard part for me in that respect is that most of the public profiles/desires of people (men and women) around where I live are (almost hyper) focused on being outdoors and football and hiking. Of those, the only one that would really peak my interest is hiking and there aren't many good areas here to do it. Camping, football, running miles in the morning and clubbing are all listed in a high majority and I'm just a bit too sedentary right now to go about pursuing anyone of that nature. Though I am working on being less sedentary again.
Years ago I joined a dating site, a free one, as it was the "in thing that was new" at the time. Just to see what was out there. Sometimes it's not a good idea in a small city. I met up with a guy at a pub and it turned out he was the brother of 2 twin girls I worked with. The family resemblance was obvious (it was a blind meet up). He was also a bit quiet but, me being the quieter, introverted, socially awkward, wtf do I say to a stranger, had no clue what to say. I had a friend with me, because you don't go to pubs by yourself (well, I don't), who helped out during the pauses.
That was a disaster. But I think it was more what he said before he walked in. While we were waiting for him to show up he texted and said he was there. I said where we were and he said, "Why'd you look at me like I was a scumbag, as I walked past." It was far from it. You don't go out and scowl at every guy who walks past. Even though I'd have rather been anywhere else with no people I always put on a 'friendly face.'
It wasn't until years later that I met, and endured, my first manipulator (possibly narcissist) that I now can see the signs in that guy I met at the pub that time.

The manipulator I thought was a friend, he came over to our place once. My sister and Dad immediately disliked him. Your closest family/friends are excellent in that regard.
Listen to them.
It got to a point where he showed his true intentions, which were not what I wanted. He was totally not my type. Back then I went on looks first. Hence why the pub guy was a no.(His twin sisters had distinguishing features that he got double of, unfortunately).

The manipulative one, we were in the same volunteer group. When I went back on the Monday my supervisor immediately picked up something was "off." I changed my days and talked to her about it. She was great and told me things I wish I knew before.

Anyway, not long after I met a much nicer guy but I totally fucked that up, and I still regret it 10 years later. He got married a few years ago, cut off all old friends and is living in another State. That was my first 'one that got away,' but that's another story 😊
 
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#10
My current relationship with my wife has been tearing me up for the last few weeks.

We've been separated since 2015 when she left the kids (my stepson and our daughter) and I and moved in with the guy she was having an affair with. Subsequently she left him whilst pregnant to move into a refuge, was placed in a child services placement after the birth then moved back in with me after Child Services ended the placement with her having no where to live.

We tried to make things work but I was an emotional mess inside and bottling things up way too much. She found a flat and we were splitting our time between the two places.

Things came to a head last year, when she told me about another affair and at least two one-night stands she had had, sending me further down the emotional plug hole. Before summer she had emergency surgery on a prolapsed disk.

I snapped, very possibly with a breakdown as I couldn't cope with everything. Told my stepson he had to go and live with her, her that I couldn't support her in the same way as I had been. Things continued getting worse until December when I told her that everything is effectively over as far as I am concerned. She was pleading with me to give her reassurances that I wouldn't see anyone else and that we could work things out etc etc, but the emotional and mental pain, confusion and cloud I was under I couldn't (or wouldn't) do so.

Fast forward to June this year and we've been talking about trying again, we started to date and spend more time together, although she is also on dating sites and talking to other people.

An unexpected house move for me in July, from where we had lived as a couple for 10 years, caused a lot of stress on all sides but has lifted such a huge weight from me that I never realised I was burdened with...almost like the walls of the property had soaked up all the negative energy and I was now free of it.

So now I'm really wanting to make things work between us because I'm feeling massively more positive about, well, everything. However she has gone the other way now, and is telling me she doesn't know what she wants, how much I hurt her with my actions last year, that maybe she would be best just movong on.

I'm utterly confused by it, and the anxiety is messing up my head again.
 

SwissArmyKnife

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#11
Your ability to forgive and move past it is astounding to me. I think I would have been big enough of a person to forgive the first affair but certainly not the subsequent ones after you were already back together again.

I agree that the house likely had a lot of trapped emotions with it and moving on from there helped you a lot. I get the feeling that houses do soak in all of our positive and negative energy and not balancing it out will cause undue stress, even if it's a placebo effect. I think that, unconsciously, your brain remembers the negative stimuli you had in that environment and it triggers a response from the nervous system to avoid it that your conscious brain overrides and that causes undue stress on yourself.

I don't have any advice for you and since none was asked for anyway, I'll just say that I hope you're able to figure out what you want and you need from your personal relationships and are able to fulfill those desires and needs.
 
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#12
Your ability to forgive and move past it is astounding to me. I think I would have been big enough of a person to forgive the first affair but certainly not the subsequent ones after you were already back together again.

I agree that the house likely had a lot of trapped emotions with it and moving on from there helped you a lot. I get the feeling that houses do soak in all of our positive and negative energy and not balancing it out will cause undue stress, even if it's a placebo effect. I think that, unconsciously, your brain remembers the negative stimuli you had in that environment and it triggers a response from the nervous system to avoid it that your conscious brain overrides and that causes undue stress on yourself.

I don't have any advice for you and since none was asked for anyway, I'll just say that I hope you're able to figure out what you want and you need from your personal relationships and are able to fulfill those desires and needs.
I was slightly unclear, the affairs I found out about last year happened before the one that prompted her to leave. The emotional affect for me was much the same as if they had happened afterwards though.

Having had CBT and counselling (for OCD and depression) deep buried memory and emotional triggers afe certainly a real thing, which often we have no control over or even an idea we are suffering under.

With this most recent situation one of the things I am struggling with the most is her insistence that her previous behaviours should be forgotten/forgive and not mentioned as she has "suffered enough" due to them, but she is more than willing to bring up what I did last year. This is a problem for me as it was only last year that I found out about her earlier infidelities...It causes many difficulties when I bring this fact up.


I will gladly listen to any advice, opinion or personal experience any one wants to give!
 

SwissArmyKnife

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#13
Take this with a grain of salt then as I'm one that doesn't forgive and forget past infidelities (including my own).

Take a week or two, maybe even a month and focus on yourself. Get a massage, take a personal day and do whatever you want to do, maybe get a facial (I swear by my gal who does mine, because she built my trust and calmed my personal fears beforehand*). Ask yourself the following questions, write down your answers and then look at it again in a week. Do your answers still match? If not, then what changed in that week?
  1. Do you believe that if you had an affair that she would forgive you?
  2. Do you see a future for yourself without her?
  3. Are you happy right now with the person you are right now?
  4. Can you remain on friendly terms if you aren't together?
  5. What do you want to have happen in this relationship moving forward?


*and that is a whole other post worth of quirkiness about me
 

chikawowwow

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#14
My current relationship with my wife has been tearing me up for the last few weeks.

We've been separated since 2015 when she left the kids (my stepson and our daughter) and I and moved in with the guy she was having an affair with. Subsequently she left him whilst pregnant to move into a refuge, was placed in a child services placement after the birth then moved back in with me after Child Services ended the placement with her having no where to live.

We tried to make things work but I was an emotional mess inside and bottling things up way too much. She found a flat and we were splitting our time between the two places.

Things came to a head last year, when she told me about another affair and at least two one-night stands she had had, sending me further down the emotional plug hole. Before summer she had emergency surgery on a prolapsed disk.

I snapped, very possibly with a breakdown as I couldn't cope with everything. Told my stepson he had to go and live with her, her that I couldn't support her in the same way as I had been. Things continued getting worse until December when I told her that everything is effectively over as far as I am concerned. She was pleading with me to give her reassurances that I wouldn't see anyone else and that we could work things out etc etc, but the emotional and mental pain, confusion and cloud I was under I couldn't (or wouldn't) do so.

Fast forward to June this year and we've been talking about trying again, we started to date and spend more time together, although she is also on dating sites and talking to other people.

An unexpected house move for me in July, from where we had lived as a couple for 10 years, caused a lot of stress on all sides but has lifted such a huge weight from me that I never realised I was burdened with...almost like the walls of the property had soaked up all the negative energy and I was now free of it.

So now I'm really wanting to make things work between us because I'm feeling massively more positive about, well, everything. However she has gone the other way now, and is telling me she doesn't know what she wants, how much I hurt her with my actions last year, that maybe she would be best just movong on.

I'm utterly confused by it, and the anxiety is messing up my head again.
I'm sorry for you're situation...

I put this in a spoiler as you may not be wanting objective advice for something so personal.
Trying harder doesn't necessarily guarantee success although it can succeed sometimes. Trying harder does guarantee expending more effort against the same obstacle. Sometimes there is a need to try something completely different. The way this was explained to me was like watching a fly put ever increasing effort into forcing it's way through a window pane, it will literally die with this strategy, but all it would need to do is move down less than a foot and out through the opening. People are not dissimilar in that they will use the same strategy despite having no more effort available to commit.

This is a total assumption as I obviously cannot know, but it appears your wife is either manipulating you for something (money, security, anything really) or has some serious troubles of her own.

I wouldn't presume to say what you need to do but certainly do something, in a different direction to where you have been going up till now. That isn't a cryptic way of saying get rid of her, I mean literally do something different to get out of this cycle whether it be with her or not.
 
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#15
Thanks for the thoughts and advice so far, I always believe it is a good thing to get a different perspective on a problem and/or potential solution.

I've suggested relationship counselling, but she was quite dismissive of it. I'm not the type of person to just give up at the first sign of struggle, but I know I have my limits.
 

Christmas

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#16
I feel a little more numb each and every day and I don't understand.

I'm happy, I know I am.

I have good friends, decent education, I'm pursuing my dreams, great family even though I miss them... what's missing from my life?

I don't want to hear love. My last relationship was entirely love and I left that completely broken, so I decided to apply the love I felt for her into every aspect of my life.

But it's not enough.

There's a girl in my hometown that I want more than life itself, but the stars are not lined up right for now, and I genuinely believe she is my soulmate. I talk to her every day.

What is missing from my life?
 
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#17
I feel a little more numb each and every day and I don't understand.

I'm happy, I know I am.

I have good friends, decent education, I'm pursuing my dreams, great family even though I miss them... what's missing from my life?

I don't want to hear love. My last relationship was entirely love and I left that completely broken, so I decided to apply the love I felt for her into every aspect of my life.

But it's not enough.

There's a girl in my hometown that I want more than life itself, but the stars are not lined up right for now, and I genuinely believe she is my soulmate. I talk to her every day.

What is missing from my life?
Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. It may not be that you are missing anything from your life, but possibly a build up of several small things that are affecting your mood without you consciously realising it.

In the other life thread you've talked about your grandad passing away, missing the first week of activities and starting classes again, each change rapidly one after another can have a powerful cumulative impact.
 

Christmas

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#19
I hurt while reading this.

Not for anyone but for the pure loss of trust. How a being could be so calus with love from another human being is beyond me.
It wasn't intentional. Our languages and expectations were different.

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. It may not be that you are missing anything from your life, but possibly a build up of several small things that are affecting your mood without you consciously realising it.

In the other life thread you've talked about your grandad passing away, missing the first week of activities and starting classes again, each change rapidly one after another can have a powerful cumulative impact.
Yeah. I think I'll go to counseling some time this week on campus.
 
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